


Turn The Lights Down Low (for your love shines bright enough)

by Magnolia_and_Macadamias (orphan_account)



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Adrien-centric, Angst, Cutting, Dork Adrien Agreste, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Hot Mess Adrien Agreste, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, SADrien, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-18
Updated: 2018-04-18
Packaged: 2019-04-24 12:45:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14355798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Magnolia_and_Macadamias
Summary: There were some days that struck him harder than others.Some days that he just woke up thinking, ‘I don’t want this anymore.’Those days were terrifying.He would just want to give up. End his pain, his life.-Every time he mentioned that he thought she disliked him, whoever he happened to be speaking to would chuckle and clap him on the back with a soft, “Right.”He wanted to figure her out.That’s how he found himself sobbing after hours of ‘patrolling’ and running to a certain bakery.





	Turn The Lights Down Low (for your love shines bright enough)

He was forgetting how to breathe, just like he was forgetting the theorems. Adrien gripped his pencil tighter, the only physical sign of his inner turmoil aside from the tightness in his throat.

Most of the class had already finished the test, but not him. He had been gone the day they learned these theorems (he had been protecting them from an akuma on the other side of the city, but they didn’t know that)

He was supposed to be the smartest kid in the class aside from Max, right?

_Why hadn’t he gotten the notes from Nino?_

He had figured out everything except for the last problem.

One problem missed on a test would be an amazing score for anyone else. If he had other parents, he might have been praised.

But he didn’t have other parents.

He had Gabriel Agreste.

He couldn’t afford to miss any points.

He took a shuddering breath, wrote down his best guess for the answer, regained his composure by closing his eyes, and turned the test in with two minutes to spare.

Returning to his desk after giving in his test, Nino gave him a questioning look.

Damn.

He had figured him out.

He shot him his model smile and sat down before writing ‘tired’ on a piece of paper. Sliding it over to Nino, the small nod he received was enough to reassure Adrien that his descent into darkness was far from being uncovered.

It wasn’t a lie, though, that he was tired.

He was tired. Photoshoots, formal dinners, and patrol with Ladybug barely left him time to breathe, let alone give him time to finish his homework on time. So, he did the sensible thing, and gave up on sleep. It wasn’t the best, but he had access to caffeine, and makeup to conceal the bags under his eyes.

It was doing wonders for his mental state, too.

Or, rather, destroying it.

Ever since he stopped sleeping, all his previous confidence seemed to dissipate. His exhaustion-addled mind would show him things that didn’t happen.

Every time that someone came to change how he was positioned, he would swear he saw a sneer. Every time he saw Nino frowning down at his classwork, he would assume the frown was directed at him, and that he had no true friends. That he was all alone.

He didn’t sleep. Or eat.

Or love himself.

There were things he still loved, though.

Adrenaline. He was a junkie, and when he couldn’t get his high from transforming into his superhero counterpart, he found other ways.

There were no words to express his feeling of euphoria when he cut himself. He loved the habit and hated it. He deserved it, but he hated the lasting damage. He hated how disgusted he felt with himself every time he saw the scars, forcing himself to make more to rid his head of the toxic thoughts spinning around in his head.

He hated the scars, and how he couldn’t pass a simple junior high math test, and how pathetic and fat and stupid and worthless, and unlov-

“Kid.”

Adrien snapped his head up. He was in his room. He barely remembered school letting out, let alone leaving for home.

He shook his head and turned to Plagg with a quirked eyebrow.

“Let’s go.” Plagg requested.

Shooting up, Adrien asked if there was an akuma, to which he was answered with a simple, “No, you just look like you need to run.”

It was one of the first times that transforming into Chat Noir did not ease his nerves, take away the burden of most of his problems, and he was bitter.

Even though he was his supposedly carefree alter ego, all his internal struggles still attacked him, swirling through his body and trapping him in his darkened mind. There was an overload of his issues, and with nowhere to go, they were forced to stay contained in his chest, the tendrils of depression curling around his lungs, and crushing them. 

For the second time that day, he forgot how to breathe.

He could barely feel it when tears slipped down from his eyes, but the small part that registered them couldn’t decide if they were because he was overwhelmed, depressed, or because it physically pained him every time he had to breathe.  
It was getting harder every day. 

He didn’t want to pretend anymore. He hated that his model smile was beginning to take the place of his genuine one, even when transformed.

Especially when transformed.

Chat Noir was supposed to be his escape from the crushing expectations that he never seemed able to meet in his civilian life. Chat could be dorky, and imperfect, and rash. He was expected to be. But Chat couldn’t be sad, and when Adrien got worse, so did Chat, no matter how much he hated it.

So, he went through his days, his problems piling on even more every day, his insecurities getting harder to hide in both of his personalities.

There were some days that struck him harder than others.

Some days that he just woke up thinking, _‘I don’t want this anymore.’_

__Those days were _terrifying.__ _

__He would just want to give up. End his pain, his life._ _

__Plagg worried about him, but he was about the only one. He had apparently lost previous Chats to suicide, and _he wouldn’t lose another, goddamnit.__ _

__But with a distant (abusive) father, missing mother, friends kept at arm’s length (his own fault that he never really allowed them to get close), and a partner who knew nothing about him… It was hard not to feel alone._ _

__He longed for affection, his touch-starved body jumping at the chance to even brush shoulders with someone. He wanted to be able to go to cafés with his friends, not worry about the calories he was consuming, not worry about if they genuinely liked him._ _

__Well, he knew in his heart that Nino loved him, and that Alya considered him close. He just could never be sure about the remaining mystery that was Marinette Dupain-Cheng._ _

__Every time he mentioned that he thought she disliked him, whoever he happened to be speaking to would chuckle and clap him on the back with a soft, “Right.”_ _

__He wanted to figure her out._ _

__That’s how he found himself sobbing after hours of ‘patrolling’ and running to a certain bakery._ _

__It occurred to him how creepy it would be to drop in on a random girl at 9:30 pm, dressed in tight leather, only after he had knocked on her window._ _

__Widening his eyes as his fist left the glass, he scrambled to leave before she came, but he didn’t have the time before a window sprung open, a concerned face replacing the space the panes were at a moment before._ _

__“Chat Noir, what are y-,” Marinette began, before her voice immediately softened, “H-hey, are you crying?”_ _

__Her face held no pity, only concern, something for which he was eternally grateful._ _

__She beckoned him in, and that made it worse._ _

__She was so sweet, inviting a crying stranger into her room when she could be asleep, and asking no questions._ _

__She reminded him of his mother sometimes, with her fiery personality that was still loyal and kindhearted to unheard of proportions._ _

__He hiccuped, and Marinette was at a loss._ _

__He tried and tried to suppress his emotions again, bottle them back up, but they were erupting and every time he got the cork near the lip he would just get worse._ _

__She opted to hug him until he was coherent enough to form words. It took almost half an hour to calm him down._ _

__“Chat?” She asked tentatively._ _

__He looked up._ _

__“Did something happen? Y’know… to warrant…” She gestured to him._ _

__He laughed, a cold, bitter, self-deprecating laugh that Marinette never wanted to hear pass through her partner’s lips again._ _

__“It’s stupid, Marinette. You’d think I was so _weak, and stupid, and pathetic, or-“__ _

__“Hey,” She cut him off before he could say anything worse about himself, “First of all, you are amazing. You’re a dork who makes _horrid_ puns,” That got a small tug at the corners of his lips, “You have saved ladybug countless of times, and you are one of the most selfless, kindhearted, intelligent individuals I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting,”_ _

__“I-“ He began._ _

__“I’m not done,” She shushed him, “Second of all, your problems aren’t stupid! No matter what’s bothering you, if it hurts you, then it’s a real issue.”_ _

__“She was so much like you.” His eyes widened the moment he said it. He hadn’t meant to let that slip._ _

__She looked at him. “Like who?”_ _

__He bit his lip before answering, “My… My mother.”_ _

__Marinette looked confused for a second before brightening up._ _

__“So if your mother will listen to you if you have a problem, then just go to her and-“_ _

__“I can’t, Mari.”_ _

__“Y-you… can’t?”_ _

__(It was getting harder every day for her to remind herself that their relationship was strictly business, and _don’t worry about his personal life)__ _

__“Don’t worry about it. I’m fine. In fact, I’ve overstayed my welcome. Bye. Thanks for everything.”_ _

__She was scared he would do something stupid with his cloudy mind. Instinctively she grabbed his wrist.  
She looked up at him, blue eyes meeting green, and mouthed a simple _'stay'_._ _

__His eyes flicked towards the window, and he hesitated before he sighed and sat down again._ _

__Marinette seemed satisfied, and continued, “So what happened today?”_ _

__Adrien’s lungs closed again._ _

__“I f-failed a t-test,” He choked out, “I got everything right except the last question. I didn’t get it, and I’m so stupid, and my father is going to _kill_ me when he finds out.”_ _

__“Hey, everyone struggles with school, sometimes. You’ll be fine."_ _

__“No, Mari, you don’t get it. My father will _hurt_ me once he finds out I missed a problem. He’s done it before. I’m terrified of him.” He could barely register what he was letting spill, all his problems spilling out like a geyser._ _

__Marinette paled, “You mean your father… he… hurts you?”_ _

__Chat nodded nonchalantly, as if it was normal._ _

__Her heart tightened further._ _

__“Ever since mother left, he’s gotten so much worse. I-if I don’t keep up my grades he’ll pull me out, and you don’t get it. I can’t l-leave school,” he hiccupped, “I only get three tastes of freedom, Mari. He can’t take that one away. Then I’ll only have cutting and the suit as my freedom.”_ _

__He didn’t know why her eyes widened until her next words, and then he cursed the fact that his normally impeccable filter seemed to have malfunctioned ever since he got there._ _

__“You cut yourself?”_ _

__“I-“_ _

__His reply was cut off with a fierce hug enveloping him._ _

__“Why would you do that? You’re so perfect? You’re sweet, smart, handsome, and honestly I wish most guys were even half of what you are.”_ _

__He blushed and looked down._ _

__He nearly choked at her next words._ _

__“I mean, probably the only guy who is almost as great as you is Adrien Agreste. He’s so sweet. Reminds me of you.”_ _

__“O-oh.” He sputtered gracefully._ _

__“Also, show me.”_ _

__“What?”_ _

__“Your cuts. I doubt you’re taking care of them.” She said as she got up to get the first aid kit she kept in her room._ _

__They talked for the next hour, and by the time Adrien left, he was close to his usual chipper self._ _

__So Marinette climbed into her bed, inner turmoil at it’s peak. She knew she wasn’t supposed to know anything about him, but he had an abusive father, an absent mother, and he was cutting himself. It was hard not to worry about him, and she just couldn’t help but think about all the times she pushed him away._ _

___She loved him, she realized._ _ _

__Meanwhile, Adrien climbed into his desk chair and began his homework. He knew another sleepless night was ahead of him, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that it was worth it. His heart was lighter that it had been in months._ _

___He loved her, he realized._ _ _


End file.
